My whole life Ive wanted to do something great. I even have dreams that I have been visited by gods, or perhaps their messengers. I know I am destined for something great, that I dont doubt; what  there is to think about is this: great in what context?

I sit down tonight to write something great, something perhaps so great, I could win an award for it, or recognition. I dont think I will though, I think I am just writing because I need to. Maybe by great, my fate gives me a natural supplement to help me deal with stress. What I mean is, how many people can actually deal with stress, the stress thinking and reasoning with yourself causes? Not many people thats for sure. But maybe because I can so well now (which means it can only get better right), maybe thats my pre-destined greatness. Maybe Ill be great in my own eyes, and perhaps the eyes of only a handful of others.

Or maybe I am wrong, I am quite a bit. I know that my ability to communicate with the dead, and my ability to write and sing so hard, that it feels like I have stepped aside and let a professional, someone who knows what theyre doing, and let them borrow my body; I know that it cant all be for nothing.

I think that it either a chemical imbalance, that makes me trip and see and hear things, sometimes feel things, things that other people pay to experience, or its a gift I dont yet understand fully.

I recently had the opportunity to accept the gift from a hooded figure in a dream. He told me without words that if I would accept, that I would understand everything, that everything would make sense, and that I would no longer be scared, but I would have to trust him.

I dont want to go alone. I asked myself what the deal was. I always say that I am not scared of dying, only a little, I openly admit a little, but truly, I am terrified. Its not the pain, its whats afterward that I am worried about. I dont buy into Christianity enough to feel a security. No after all my contact with the dead, I have come to realize, that there is so much unrest I cant believe that theirs a heaven that any man or woman is capable of earning.

Of all my visits I can safely make the following statements. I have never run into a spirit who is just drifting. I have run into fewer happy spirits than troubled. What does this mean? Maybe it tells me that unrest and happiness are stronger, and more noticeable sates of being than the ora of a drifter

The dream was so real though. They were there, the hooded figure, and the Indian. They were there. Why didnt I say yes. I kept trying to ask questions. I kept trying to ask who the figures were, what they were trying to give me. That night, in front of those two spirits, I proved to myself, and everyone else, that I as a person was a fraud. Nothing I stood for, or preached about was me in that dream.

I once wrote down so I wouldnt forget the phrase, Theirs no personality in fear.

I wasnt fearless and risk-taking. I wasnt, letting life flow, and I sure as hell wasnt taking a risk I was at least 50% sure of. Why was I half-sure that whatever these figures were trying to give me, was at least half not a lie. Even now, I look back, and I cant be sure why I knew what I did. I cant say I knew what the gift would be. I cant say I knew who the figures were, but I did know this. They were both familiar, and something didnt feel right. not yet

So here I am tonight, sitting here at my computer writing this, and for what? Who knows, I felt the buzz as I call it, and decided that I need to think out-loud in a different way. I am convinced that I am right about a lot of things I just cant explain, at least not yet. I feel like I have a Giant secret that I cannot tell. Honestly I think thats the best way to explain it, I cant tell it, because somewhere in my spirits limbo between this life and the last, it got pushed back somewhere in my memory. Now all I know is that it is indeed there. Do I want to know what I know? What will change? Will I be famous? Will someone come with me?

Years from now, I want people to remember me. I want people to look back and proudly say, I went to highs-school with him. I want my friends who I know Ill loose touch with to name drop, and say, We were good friends in high-school.
I want to go down in history as one of the greatest people to ever live, perhaps the greatest. I like perhaps it lets you hope without being a liar.

I made a deal with the spirits after I had a break down that night with Pat and Lisa. I said, Ill make a deal with you, Ill help you, Ill take your gift, and Ill use it I promisebut I need someone. I cantwont do this alone.

So here I am, at my computer. I am in excited anticipation, waiting for the spirits to hold up their end of the bargain. I opened a fortune cookie a few days ago (I went to China King by myself, I wanted eggrolls). It told me basically that my life was about to become more of an adventure. And not even a few days later, I was told that some things, accept that I was supposed to listen to those smaller than me, they know more than I ever will.

Things stick for a reason. People only remember certain parts of their day, because the rest didnt stand out. I only remember certain parts of things like the above, because my soul, which is apart of a living network of millions of other souls, silently told my consciousness that this is something I should remember. This should help those of you reading this as far as remembering things; things that when you ask yourself why, you dont know.

Those of you who know me know that I am indeed in this state of spiritual limbo. I am almost there. I am not insane, and if I am, please dont tell me, just let me have this one.